To: Master of the house
From: Dog
Subject: Cat
Master:
The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks
and never comes when you call and I've been there and
I know she can hear you. We need to face facts:
It's time to get rid of the cat.
Before the cat's arrival, meals were very
festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at
your lips, trembling slightly and drooling.
You would play the game of pretending to be cross
and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you
cooked dinner your children would slip me food
under the table. Now, though, the cat is allowed
to jump on the table - actually physically walk on
the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just
pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I
know you don't see it, but she always gives me a
haughty look as she walks past me.
And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied
to eat the gritty pellets of meat by-products you
bring home in the giant bags, right?
Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal?
But now I find out that the cat is being served
lobster and salmon and crab - and she never consumes
all of it! This means there are little containers
of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be
blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get
so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets,
isn't that what's important?
Then there's play time. I think we can clearly
see that I am a big dog, descended from a noble line
of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and attacking
it. Haven't I nearly managed to take down a few cars
as they've driven past the house? The cat is about
the size of a squirrel and in my view should behave
like one, but when I attempt to chase her, she
hunches up and spits at me! This can't be sanitary.
And shouldn't she be declawed? I'm very concerned
about the potential for damage to the furniture and
my nose.
Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the
cat goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the
drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the
basement. What are we going to say if some woman
brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the
cat has been using it as a toilet?
I used to police the thing for you, but you put it
up out of my reach for some reason.
I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil
person. Here's a note from the hamster:
To: Master of the house
From: Hamster
Subject: Cat
Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I
work.
Signed, Hamster, Department of Rodent Wheels
I also tried to get a note from the fish, but
apparently it believes that everything happening
outside its bowl is some kind of reality - TV show.
I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on
the bed and I'm not. I am far more cuddly than any
stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and
may be a sign of tuberculosis. And why doesn't
she ever get a bath?
She smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd
never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I
often smell wonderful from rolling in road kill,
yet you give me baths all the time!
And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking
a nap and she'll come right up and lie down beside
me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it,
but then later the other dogs smell her on me
and crack a lot of jokes at my expense.
So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the
family to complete ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the
one to bring it to your attention, but now that I
have, I think we can all agree that we should
go back to the way it was, when I was the No. 1 pet.
Yours truly,
T. Dog
